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Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
4:47 am
anyone who really cares

my_endless_firemy new livejournal

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Saturday, October 25th, 2003
12:22 pm
Before I start, if anybody is wondering why I am posting this entry in this journal as well as my primary one, I guess it is because I want to get back in touch with some of my old friends that I miss dearly, (oh Boo f'n hoo, right? lol j/k) such as John Brian, haven't talked to that motherfucker in like year, but his honest and harsh critism was in the end greatly appreciated, and he's one of the most down to earth people out there, and it's funny cuz I still follow his music on a common basis. and Mike Ranlet... speaking of Mike, anybody got his cell phone number? I got a calling card for the purpose of calling him but I guess the number I have is either outdated or wrong. Anyway, contact me on my screen name : Cast Into St0ne


I had a good Friday. Got my paycheck, spent it all on candy and pizza and kickers, lol. Highlight, obviously, was holding my baby in my arms as I fell asleep. WE CLEANED MY ROOM! I couldn't of done it without you sweetie... ugh I really suck at cleaning. I'm good at keeping it clean though, so don't worry babe, it won't get messy THAT quickly. ;)

So yeah, today I guess I'm gonna go to town for a little bit, then go to work, and then go to Shayne's birthday party at Shwartz's house.

Work Schedule for next week, in case anyone cares :
Tue : 4 - 9
Wed : 4 - 9
Thu : 4 - 9
Fri : 4 - 9
Sat : 4 - 9+

I actually like working, I'm good at learning to enjoy my job. It still bothers me greatly that like 30 hours of my time is being consumed by work, I mean yeah most people work more... but this is ME your talkin about here, I cherish my free time... hmm I guess everybody does one way or the other... I guess I don't have anything more productive to do in that time anyway. Ugh work on Holloween. I know this sounds stupid, but sinse I've got work all week next week INCLUDING holloween, I think I'll need to come home from work to Ifer. People don't realise that as a person's life becomes more complex and "bigger," that one special person becomes all that much more important, at least she does to me. I hate coming home from work to nobody, I really do, same thing when I went to school, I came home and I had NOBODY!!! and it really ate me up and shit me out inside. That's why just one of those days, even though someday I hope it will be every day, I rely on coming home to her. She's the only person that makes me feel complete. The day is not nearly as bright with a cloud blocking the sun.

So I'm sorry when it becomes a clear reality that my life basically revolves around her. As long as I have the freedom to, though, I will peak my head out every once in a while, and pay my respects to my history, and my friends, who I know are getting somewhat screwed out of me as a friend because of all this. I guess it is just inevitable though, I'm 20 fucking years old, I just couldn't live with reaching 21 and still being ALONE. I'm sorry for that, but like I said, I won't forget and I will come back from time to time.

And for the first time in my life, I met all of my short term goals before that "short" became "long." For once I am fairly at ease with the way my future looks. I've actually been thinking of Ifer's future lately. She says she doesn't care about college, and I respect her oppinion, because I think college is just another way for people to get money and that is why they don't just move everything up a level so that middle school is high school and high school is college, but still I am affraid of her following my path, and now that I am slowly changing my path, I am confident I can change her's as well. She's a lot smarter than she thinks she is, and honestly I think she needs to make a comedy cartoon on Fox or comic book or something because I see alot of humor-favored creativity in her, and she's got this really fun way of thinking. It really is another thing about her that matches my tastes perfectly.

and i thank my gods
got a girl like her

anyway... tomorrow is band practice, I think we're recording our first song sinse the demo over a year ago. We finally finished a song and have got it down pretty good, and in my oppinion it's pretty nasty. I never thought I'd achieve bringing out a true hardcore side of the band, but it's really getting there, and I'm extremely proud of my guys.

If nothing goes wrong between me and Ifer, I think it's safe to say that I'm going to have the best November of my life.


current mood: chipper

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Monday, September 15th, 2003
9:53 pm - HAHAHAHAHA
chris, do you know how UNBELIEVABLY easy it is to break into your journal.

i love you

ps- love the little pic<3

youuuuuuu ffaaaaaaaaaaaaaggg

current mood: amused

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Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
4:31 am
Okay I haven't done this in a while so here are my top recommended bands for people to download, if anyone's looking for new and old music to listen to... I eliminated as many as I could but these are all my favorates, and they cover many genres... but if u have cable modem, go for em all motherfucker.

100 demons
3rd Limb
A Perfect Circle
A Static Lullaby
Agnostic Front
Black Flag
Blood for Blood
Bone Thugs n Harmony
Boy Hits Car
Boy Sets Fire
Brand New
Breaking Benjamin
Bright Eyes
Buried Alive
Bury Your Dead
Chaotic Impulse
Coal Chamber
Cypress Hill
Damaged Goods
Dashboard Confessional
Death Threat
Deep Purple
Demons & Wizards
Denis Leary
Die Krupps
Double Think
Dr. Dre
Dying Fetus
Fear Factory
Flat Earth Society
From Autumn to Ashes
Front 242
Full Blown Chaos
Graeme Revell
Green Jelly
Iced Earth
In Flames
Insane Clown Posse
Iron Maiden
Jack Off Jill
Killswitch Engage
Know Lyfe
Lamb of God
Less than Jake
Lords of Acid
Machine Head
Martyr AD
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Mindless Self Indulgence
Modest Mouse
My Ruin
Napalm Death
Nation's Threat
Nine Inch Nails
Negative Mental Energy
Paul McCartney
Poison the Well
Rage Against the Machine
Rob Zombie
Saves the Day
Scars if Tinirriw
Seeded Crown
Shai Hulud
Sick of it All
Smashing Pumpkins
Soundtrack of Our Lives
Strapping Young Lad
Styles P
Sworn Enemy
System of a Down
Taking Back Sunday
The Ataris
The Getup Kids
The Movielife
The Offspring
The Program
the Takeover
The Used
Twisted Sister
White Zombie
With Honor

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Tuesday, May 20th, 2003
12:28 am
I'm starting a new band, and am in need of 2 guitarists (who know how to play drop d), a bassist, and a vocalist.

Band Name : No Saving Grace
Style : hardcore/screamo
Preffered Influences : Full Blown Chaos, Hatebreed, Atreyu, From Autumn to Ashes, Unearth, Poison the Well, Throwdown

Give me some lead guitar lines, and I garentee you I will make them sound grousum. I just need some people who are dedicated and prepared enough to be able to practice and put together quality songs that have alot of feeling. And I want almost every song to result in mass pits.

This doesn't mean I'm quitting Virtue of Your Dispair, but I need to expand into a different project.

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Monday, April 7th, 2003
8:09 pm

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Tuesday, March 4th, 2003
well it's complete... this is


No Way Out - Full Blown Chaos
As Real as It Gets - Sworn Enemy
Dead at Birth - Death Threat
So Alone - 100 Demons
Ya Still a Paper Gangster - Blood for Blood
Unlearn - Diecast
Tip Your Bartender - Glassjaw
Betrayed by Life - Hatebreed
Behind Space (live) - In Flames
Vide Infra - Killswitch Engage
Future Breed Machine - Meshuggah
Inner Self - Sepultura
Outside the Boundaries of a Friend - Shai Hulud
Raining Blood - Slayer
Black Snow - Subzero
Everyone for Themselves - The Takeover
Baby Got Back (cover) - Throwdown
The Charm - Unearth
Desensitized - Diecast
IDS - Sworn Enemy

so who wants it? tell me now!!!

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Tuesday, February 25th, 2003
4:55 am
hey... look... I'm obviously going through a really hard time, and I know most of you are tired (or at least i would be if i were u) of hearing me bitch... but anyway... I have a new journal, if you want me to add u as a friend then you have to add me as a friend...


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Sunday, February 23rd, 2003
1:34 am - boo



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Friday, February 21st, 2003
4:14 am - Final Entry
I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only person who has realised that I have developed more than one "face." I used to be able to honestly say that what you see is what I am... I've lost it, and I don't know how to get it back... I think this is growing into the biggest reason why I've been having integrity issues as of late, because I'm not even sure, anymore, if I am being honest when I say I don't sell out... because if I was looking from the outside in, I'd probably want to spit in my own face.... what happened, and where the fuck did I go wrong?

I need to start over, I need my life to be back to the basics again, back to surviving, and fuck all the the bullshit I've added on. How do I do it? I don't even know where to begin. The easiest way would be to get out, to move away.... how do I start over, clean slate, without pulling my roots out of the ground?

Where the fuck is Mike Ranlet when I need him........ maybe I should move to Florida to where he is and get an apartment with him, because he is the one friend, the one, the only one, the only root from the beginning that I have left.

All of you... I love the shit out of you, but sometimes I just feel like what I have now is nothing but dead leaves floating down a river..... I really don't have anything left that has always been there.

I'm missing New Fairfield more and more....... something about everyone there being "prep" and not accepting somebody who was, at the time, different, such as me and the 4 or 5 people I hung out with.... it kept me close to myself. I've been pushed adrift now... and I know it... at least I fucking know it

This is my final entry... I'm going underground for the first time in years. I hope everyone enjoyed watching me achieve everything I wanted to achieve, and then become everything I've always hated with a passion.

Peace, Love, and Fuck Off


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Wednesday, February 19th, 2003
8:04 pm
I wish god was real... I need something weaker than myself to rage war against, and god would be that something.... too bad it's just something our ancestors created in order to categorize people, a reason to live... A REASON TO LIVE IN ACCORDING TO THE RULES OF THE BIBLE. Fuck that... a life without sins is the same thing as death to me... so even if every single fucking thing that is in the bible is true, I would never follow it... I DON'T FOLLOW

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6:01 pm
Every day when I wake up, and get in the shower... all I can do is think, sometimes I just stand there, feeling the hot water hit my skin... turning up the temperature to that point where its almost burning, but not quite. Last night, I burned myself, I just turned the water on full blast, as hot as it would go... I wanted to remember what it was like to feel something. Physical pain is so much more enjoyable than mental pain... I just wanted to feel again... I just needed to. Usually when I get out of the shower, the first thing I do is look in the mirror, realise that I can't see myself, and take my hands and clean off the steam from it and shave.... I didn't... I just left it that way, and looked at it for a long time. I wanted to see how long it would take before I was able to see myself again, without me doing anything. I waited there for half an hour, and finally I could see something.... but it wasn't me.... it was somebody else... it has to be... when I look into my own eyes, I seriously see nothing... this isn't me, I can't believe it, I refuse to. Would you hold it against me if I told you that I have finally died? Maybe not... but I do... and I am regretting everything I am, praying for everything I'm not. Until this point, I have forgotten what it is like to be weak, but now I remember so clearly... so many times I have helped people through this exact thing, and always assumed that I'd be able to help myself through it if I ever reached this destination again... that is not holding true, and now instead of the image of myself that I used to be proud to wake up and see in the mirror... all I see is steam, and that's all I want to see. Remember how I said that "Rock Bottom" is a myth, and that there is no bottom, you can always go lower... point proven.

I still am not giving up on myself or on anybody else, this is not about giving up... this is about not knowing what to give up on. I am weak, and I have nothing to rely on, all I can do is survive, all I can do is keep my eyes opened, so that one day, maybe, just maybe, the steam will clear and there I will be once again. Until then, I don't expect any respect from anybody, because I don't deserve it, I don't want it... all I want is to sleep, and wake up to nothing... hey, nothing is better than pain.

If there is one thing you must understand about me... it is that I HAVE to BE THE BEST... if I'm not the best, then I rather finish in last... FINISH IN LAST!

I did not grow up with parents telling me to be the champ of the football team, or rushing me off to a top notch college... once I cleared out all the bullshit destractions, there was only my instincts left... and my main instinct is telling me to be NUMBER ONE!!!


I repeat this to myself every day, sometimes I scream at myself, telling me to just win... today, I think I'll just cry it out.

Even I agree that I have a deep personality.... but for the most part, everything is YES OR NO, LEFT OR RIGHT, UP OR DOWN for me.... WIN OR LOSE... no inbetween. I don't compromise, because everytime I do, it doesn't make a difference anyway, because I just lose.... COMPROMISE = LOSE....

For the last couple weeks I really have been trying to "win" kristen back, but come to think of it, she deserves better, and I'm not even gonna try anymore, I'll just end up hurting both of us. So fuck that shit, my expectations will never be met anyway, so I might as wise just settle for friendship... maybe the least I can do is ensure that she grows into a better person than I have, at least her limits can be expanded even if mine just grow tighter.

WIN!!!!!!!!!! WIN!!!!!!!!!! WIN!!!!!!!!!!

I rather die than not be on top, but I refuse to die until I am on top... I realize that this is the circle of life, and it never ends... not for me anyway.

I wish I could say that I am a stronger person than this, but my past is too stained, my hands are too bloody... every day I wake up and can't move, my brain just won't let me... my heart says GET THE FUCK UP, but no matter how much sleep I get, I still am tired, too tired. I would jump on the emo bandwagon and say I never want to wake up again, but even eternal sleep wouldn't make me better... so I struggle on.... STRUGGLE.... maybe I'm just struggling to lose, but at least I'll have the right to spit in the face of everyone who has ever taken the easy way out and committed suicide, and know that I am at least doing better than they did.

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.


current mood: indescribable

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5:16 pm
Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying to get some rest
From all the unborn chicken voices in my head
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)

When I am king, you will be first against the wall
With your opinion which is of no consequence at all
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)

Ambition makes you look pretty ugly
Kicking and squealing gucci little piggy
You don't remember
You don't remember
Why don't you remember my name?
Off with his head, man
Off with his head, man
Why don't you remember my name? I guess he does...

Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me

That's it, sir
You're leaving
The crackle of pigskin
The dust and the screaming
The yuppies networking
The panic, the vomit
The panic, the vomit
God loves his children, God loves his children, yeah!

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Sunday, February 16th, 2003
9:43 pm - GOD BLESS AMERICA....... doesn't mean ya gotta bless ME!!!
Welcome to the "American Dream."

What exactly is the American Dream ?
- Control people as much as possible
- Get paid as much as possible for as little bit of work possible
- Make sure that huge multi-billion dollar corperations are happy, even if your own people are being hurt
- If you have to deal with a large, complicated, and dangerous problem, solve all the smallest, least important problems first to make victory appear common.
- It doesn't matter if every American has enough money to survive, or even simply a place to go and live, as long as the richest and highest ranked stay there, and are happy.
- If evolution or revolution starts peaking its head, take power away from the people to stomp it out.... afterall, we are lazy, we won't be on top for ever... so we might as wise live out our days on top of the world sitting on our ass and wasting our money on affairs that don't even have to do with us, than to better our own country while we are on top.
- The more confronting and evolutionary thinking comes from extremely intellegent kids and young adults with different ways of thinking, and because they are young, they are trying out and getting into drugs and alcohol...... put as many of them in jail as possible and use their natural will to explore and to have fun (such as drink alcohol and smoke weed) against them, this way only the least contraversial and most conforming Americans will ever be able to reach the top and lead our country.
- Not Christian??? Wanna have sex before marriage? BAN ALL ABORTIONS!!!! If you wanna have sex, and get a girl pregnant, well then, 3 unimportant lives will be punished for it. JOIN THE GOD BANDWAGON, AND FIGHT THE ENEMY... ie FREEDOM.

In conclussion, there are many different ways to achieve the American Dream... trust uncle sam, conform to every law, hop on one of the most respected religions, anybody who goes against the grain is your enemy, and always remember... MONEY IS LIFE.

I suppose my biggest question is..... where do MY dreams come in?


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Thursday, February 13th, 2003
8:45 pm
What really makes me happy anymore? Do I even know? Is what makes me happy what appears to make me happy? All I know for sure is what I can see and feel and hear, but as long as there is more to be found than that has been found, I guess I will never truely be happy. I want to know, see, feel, hear it all, I want it all, no fear no compromise... I WANT IT ALL

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6:46 pm
the last thing I would have ever expected is Ryan Goodsell going to fight in Iraq.... but he is...

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Monday, February 10th, 2003
11:27 pm
Nothing much to really write about right now..... I'm going to Kristen's house tomorrow, it's gonna rock! Other than that, I've just been doing the usual song and dance.... lookin casually for a job, smokin weed smokin weed, chillin with the peepz...... I'm bored in general though... I need more action and less sitting around at home bored.

Next journal entry will have more brainpower behind it, and that's a Cone-Promise!


current mood: im farting alot

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Thursday, February 6th, 2003
10:19 pm
haha omg this is hilarious, i found it in a french news paper :

"Police pulled over a car with 4 young men inside, when it was reported that they were driving around passing around what appeared to be a gun... after being pulled over and arrested at gunpoint, it was found that the young men were only passing around a stick of salami... the men were released a short time later"

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Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
5:36 pm - Kill : Unlearn : Deprogram
Roots Bloody Roots
Roots Bloody Roots
Roots Bloody Roooaaaaaahh

Believe In Our Fate
We Don't Need To Fake
It's All We Wanna Be
Watch Me Freeeaaak !!

I Say
We're Growing Every Day
Getting Stronger In Every Way
I'll Take You To A Place
Where We Shall Find Our

Roots Bloody Roots
Roots Bloody Roots
Roots Bloody Roots
Roots Bloody Roots

Bring Me The Strength
Is Breeding Me This Way
To Get To Another Day
And All I Want To See
Set Us Free

Can't You See
Can't You Feel
This Is Real

I Pray
We Don't Need To Change
Our Ways To Be Saved
That All We Wanna Be
Watch Us Freak


Rio Summit, '92
Street People Kidnapped
Hid From View
"to Save The Earth"
Our Rules Met
Some Had Other
Secret Plans

No... No... No... No...

Say What?

Strip-mine The Amazon
Of Cells Of Life Itself
Gold Rush For Genes Is On
Natives Get Nothing

Is Godzilla

Mutations Cooked In Labs
Money-mad Experiments
New Food + Medicine?
New Germ + Accidents!
Like Cubatao
"world's Most Polluted Town"
Air Melts Your Face
Deformed Children All Around

Ain't What's So Bad
Like All Technology
It's In The Wrong Hands

Cut-throat Corporations
Don't Give A Damn
When Lots Of People Die
From What They're Made

Is A.i.d.s. ?



Chaos A.D.
Tanks On The Streets
Confronting Police
Bleeding The Plebs
Raging Crowd
Burning Cars
Bloodshed Starts
Who'll Be Alive?!

Chaos A.D.
Army In Siege
Total Alarm
I'm Sick Of This
Inside The State
War Is Created
No Man's Land
What Is This Shit?!


Chaos A.D.
Disorder Unleashed
Starting To Burn
Starting To Lynch
Silence Means Death
Stand On Your Feet
Inner Fear
Your Worst Enemy



Why Don't You Get A Life And Grow Up
Why Don't You Realize That You're Fucked Up
Why Criticize What You Don't Understand
Why Change My Words, You're So Afraid

You Think You Have The Right To
Put Me Down
Propaganda Hides Your Scum
Face To Face You Don't Have A Word To Say
You Got In My Way, Now You'll Have To Pay

Don't, Don't Believe What You
Don't, Don't Believe What You Read

I Know My Ways, I'm Here To Stay
I Didn't Start All This Yesterday
I'll Prove You Wrong All The Way
Life Teaches Me You're Always Alone

Don't, Don't Believe What You
Don't, Don't Believe What You Read


Unknown Man
Speaks To The World
Sucking Your Trust
A Trap In Every World

War For Territory
War For Territory

Choice Control
Behind Propaganda
Poor Information
To Manage Your Anger

War For Territory
War For Territory

Dictators' Speech
Blasting Off Your Life
Rule To Kill The Urge
Dumb Assholes' Speech

Years Of Fighting
Teaching My Son
To Believe In That Man
Racist Human Being
Racist Ground Will Live
Shame And Regret
Of The Pride
You've Once Possessed

War For Territory
War For Territory


Walking These Dirty Streets
With Hate In My Mind
Feeling The Scorn Of The World
I Won't Follow Your Rules
Blame And Lies, Contradictions Arise
Blame And Lies, Contradictions Arise

Nonconformity In My Inner Self
I Only Guide My Inner Self

I Won't Change My Way
It Has To Be This Way
I Live My Life For Myself
Forget Your Filthy Ways
Blame And Lies, Contradictions Arise
Blame And Lies, Contradictions Arise

Nobody Will Change My Way
Life Betrays, But I Keep Going
There's No Light, But There's Hope
Crushing Oppression, I Win

Betraying And Playing Dirty,
You Think You'll Win
But Someday You'll Fall,
And I'll Be Waiting
Laughs Of An Insane Man, You'll Hear
Personality Is My Weapon Against Your Envy

Walking These Dirty Streets
With Hate In My Mind
Feeling The Scorn Of The World
I Won't Follow Your Rules
Nonconformity In My Inner Self
Only I Guide My Inner Self


In The Middle Of A War That Was Not Started By Me
Deep Depression Of The Nuclear Remains
I've Never Thought Of, I've Never Thought About
This Happening To Me
Proliferations Of Ignorance
Orders That Stand To Destroy
Battlefields And Slaughter
Now They Mean My Home And Work
Who Has Won?
Who Has Died?
Beneath The Remains
Cities In Ruins
Bodies Packed On Minefields
Neurotic Game Of Life And Death
Now I Can Feel The End
Premonition About My Final Hour
A Sad Image Of Everything
Everything's So Real
Who Has Won?
Who Has Died?
Everything Happened So Quickly.
I Felt I Was About To Leave Hell
I'll Fight For Myself, For You,
But So What?
To Feel A Deep Hate
To Feel Scared
But Beyond That, To Wish Being At An End
Clotted Blood
Mass Mutilation
Hope For The Future Is Only Utopia
Mortality, Insanity, Fatality
You'll Never Want To Feel What I've Felt
Mediocrity, Brutality, And Falsity
It's Just A World Against Me
Cities In Ruins
Bodies Packed On Minefields
Neurotic Game Of Life And Death
Now I Can Feel The End
Premonition About My Final Hour
A Sad Image Of Everything
Everything's So Real
Who Has Won?
Who Has Died?
Beneath The Remains


current mood: SEPULTURA!!!!

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2:40 pm
you have your chance, come back now or never
You are wrong, fucked, and overrated
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of EVERYTHING
You are the end of EVERYTHING
I haven't slept since I woke up
And found my whole life was a lie, motherfucker
This is the end of EVERYTHING
You are the end of EVERYTHING

Shallow skin, I can paint with pain
I mark the trails on my arms with your disdain
Everyday it's the same - I LOVE, YOU HATE
But I guess I don't care any more...
Fix my problems with the blade
While my eyes turn from blue to gray
God, the worst thing happened to me today
But I guess I don't care anymore...

You are wrong, fucked, and overrated
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of EVERYTHING
You are the end of EVERYTHING
I haven't slept since I woke up
And found my whole life was a lie, motherfucker
This is the end of EVERYTHING
You are the end of EVERYTHING

My flaws are the only thing left that's pure
Can't really live, can't really endure
Everything I see reminds me of her
God I wish I didn't care anymore
The more I touch, the less I feel
I'm lying to myself that it's not real
Why is everybody making such a big fucking deal?
I'm never gonna care anymore

What the hell am I doing?
Is there anyone left in my life?
What the fuck was I thinking?
Anybody want to tell me I'm fine?
Where the hell am I going?
Do I even need a reason to hide?
I am only betrayed
I am only conditioned to die

current mood: hopeful

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